Apparently, there was an earthquake felt around the United States of America. I didn't feel anything here in Michigan. Nor was I near enough to social media at the time of the minor disaster to see Facebook and Twitter blow up. So, ever the vigilant, quick-on-my-feet journalist, I hit the cell phone and called all of my recent contacts to ask them what happened. It's all about connecting to people - I don't need facts.
Where were you during the Giant Crazy Earthquake of 2011?
Scott, 20, workaholic: I was at work. I didn't even realize it was happening. A cardboard cutout of my friend's face photoshopped onto a Hawaiian girl fell off my desk.
Tommy, 25, Interneter: Honestly, I'm pretty sure I was on the toilet when it happened.
Jeff, 22, solitary confinement: I was secure in a fortified cube.
Tommy: I was secured in a fortified cube too, only it was a bathroom stall.
Janelle, 23, me: I was in the middle of paying a giant fee. The earthquake happened the minute the $125 charge went through on my First Gear debit card. I'm pretty sure that's what caused the earthquake, but I'm no geologist.
Nicole, 21, narcoleptic: They shut off the water at our house because they were working on the pipes outside. So I was asleep. I dreamed my bed moved, but that could be from my cat jumping on me.
Janelle's Mom, n/a, mother: WHAT EARTHQUAKE?
Janelle's Dad, ageless, father: WHAT EARTHQUAKE? Oh, I was probably working. Or something.
Oh, and THIS is what really happened.